My brain has been my enemy today, letting me wander into negative thoughts. I've been fighting with myself to not fall into the old rhythmic pattern-worry-doubt-pity, worry-doubt-pity-helplessness.
I've been looking at pictures of myself all day, trying to remember what it was like not to have this infectious alien on my body. Aside from longing to be back to the girl in the picture, I've been researching the steroid medication the doc has given me. Prednisone.
Prednisone, as I read, is the golden marker treatment to cure sweets syndrome. Though high doses of prednisone, long term, comes with side effects such as 'moon-face.' My face could potentially look like human cabbage patch doll, and as 'cute' as that may sound, it has made me paranoid.
"Snap out of it! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!" I scowl at myself.
"Things can be so much worse, you're getting better. Be patient, warrior up already."
Sometimes a little kick in the ass is what I need to give myself so not to fall into the pathetic pool of self pity. Its tempting sometimes. Especially when the water is warm and there's nothing else to do.
I try to remember the little girl when I catch myself testing the pity pool water.
Two or three weeks ago, when this started, before the pain was really bad and I was still working, I met a little girl that I will never forget. She was waiting in line at the airbrush booth to get her temporary tattoo. She seemed to be around the age of ten or eleven years old. The first thing I noticed about the little girl, is the first thing that everyone who looked at her noticed. Not only was she in a wheel chair, but she was completely covered in severe third degree burns.
I am not sure what happened to her, but from the fresh bandages and scabs over some of the burns I guessed it was a recent tragedy. When it was her turn to get an airbrush tattoo, I wheeled my work station over to the side of the booth. She was the most beautiful little girl that I have ever met. She smiled at me so brightly, all I could see was how happy she was. Her happiness and positive energy made me only look at who this little girl was, not what she was or the circumstances that she was currently facing.
As I airbrushed the cute little butterfly on the temple of her forehead, I began to notice the people around her. She had a bunch of friends with her and they all wanted her undivided attention. She made them laugh, and they lit up each time she turned to look at them. As if they were the only ones she could see. I've never seen anything like it.
Sure, there were other people who were still gawking at her. Strangers walking by, staring at her as long as they could. I'm sure its not every day you see a burnt little girl in a wheel chair, eating her cotton candy with what was once her hands. Everyone trying to figure out what happened to her. Feeling sorry for her. Talking about her as they walk away, shaking their heads thinking, "what a shame, poor little girl."
Yes, I would be lying if I said those thoughts did not cross my mind when I first looked at this girl. Though, this little girl changed my whole perspective in the two minutes that I shared with her. Why should I feel sorry for this little girl? She did not have one ounce of self pity evident on her face. She smiled and laughed, eating her cotton candy and goofing around with her friends like any other beautiful little girl would be doing on a summer's day at the amusement park. When she knew someone was staring at her she would simply look at them and flash them the biggest smile she could. She didn't want people to look at her as if she was a victim or helpless, she wanted everyone to see her as a normal girl.
What a lesson. A very humbling lesson. In comparison my situation seems small and miniscule. But I am not here to compare whose suffering is more valid, because I believe suffering can only be measured by the people who are going through it. Each person will experience situations to a greater or lesser degree than someone else. Suffering is suffering. Struggles are struggles.
What I learned from this little girl was perception and attitude. I seen strength and happiness. She erased my first perception of her, which was one of pity and sorrow, to seeing her as someone who was happy and inspirational. She did all this because it was how she was seeing herself that day. She was happy and therefore it made everyone around her happy. She smiled and the world smiled back.
Today, I've been smiling. And I need to remind myself to be gentle and patient with myself. I understand that this is only my third day on this challenge. I'm far from being the Dalai Lama. My brain is still going to try to go back to old habits, and I just need to keep kicking myself in the ass when it does.
I think of that little girl. I'm sure that there are days when she is at a low point and wants to give up or screams why this had to happen to her. Though, it is not her struggle that I will remember about her. It will always be her strength. I will always remember her strength and how without even knowing it, she changed my life forever.
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