The difficulty in loving yourself
"PICTURE!"
Snap. The picture is taken.
"Lets see!"
Everyone gathers around to look at the picture.
"Awe. let's take another one. I look stupid."
Snap. The picture is taken.
"Okay... ONE more!"
Snap. The picture is taken.
3 pictures later and there will still be at least one person who is not satisfied with how they look.
Log on to facebook or instagram and see the album of never ending self promotions that everyone is guilty of.
The famous 'selfies' in the bathroom, the dreaded duck lips, the 'cute girl' look, the sexy look, the 'high-angled-look-up-at-the-camera-so-I-look-super-thin-look' and of course the 'pretending to be asleep picture.'
Instead of pictures capturing a moment, we create them and we make damn sure we look good or NOBODY is going to see them. Hours are spent photoshopping, creating the 'best of you.' But what really matters is not how satisfied you are with your airbrushed, insta-manipulated self that you ritualistically exploit on social media. What matters is how many likes or comments that you get. What matters is not what you think about yourself, but what others think of you. Yeah, you may think that you look great that day and a little showing off doesn't hurt anybody but what you really want is the validation from your social networking peers, that yes, you do in fact look good.
I decided to post a picture of me right here, right now. No make up, skin condition and all. Did you notice the picture at the top? I still added the little 'effects' to it. This picture is the raw picture. Even when trying to be 'real' I still opted for the slight blurred edges and soft candle light effect. Interesting isn't it?
Long before pemphigus vulgaris, or even before seborrheic dermatitis, which is a scalp condition that I was infected with a few years before that caused my hair to thin out extremely at the top, I could always see things about myself that needed to be different, or better.
I was never thin enough. I didn't have beautiful, thick hair. I wasn't curvy. I wasn't sexy. I wasn't a show stopping type of girl.
Of course, I never thought of myself to be completely unfortunate looking, and we all love at least one thing about ourselves. But there lies the problem. Shouldn't we be able to love countless of things about ourselves, why does it have to be at least one? Why should the love of our hair or our eyes be written off because we really HATE our thighs? You got the best full lips in the world? yeah, but did you see the muffin top you have? Girl, you better be working on that.
Even when I dressed up and I knew that I looked good, and I could see people staring at me, I hated it. Why?
Because it was instantly put into my brain that they were not looking at me because they thought I looked good but because something must look wrong. What a self destructing battle I was fighting. It was a battle I would never be able to win. I was constantly comparing myself to other people, and I was never good enough for myself. I call this self abuse, and it's something that so many of us are guilty of, but nobody will address it. Go into your facebook account or your instagram, and look at your pictures. How many are actual REAL pictures of you? No posing, no duck face, no manipulations. You, raw and real. Are you comfortable with having a picture of yourself up on your social media that doesn't portray a perfect version of yourself? How many times have you untagged yourself because you look ugly?
I am not pointing fingers or saying everybody is guilty of this, but I am generalizing this point because I see it in most of my friends on facebook and I see it in myself.
My friend Char picks me up for school each morning, because I can't walk too long or take transit at the moment. Each morning we check in with each other and talk about how things are going. The other morning we were talking about how my skin is slowly starting to look better. I laughed while telling her how I never realized how pretty I actually was. She stopped laughing and looked at me as if almost bewildered or slightly insulted.
"whaaaaat?" she asked in a drawn out, 'you've gotten to be kidding me' tone.
"yeah, I know." I said sheepishly. "I never really appreciated what I looked liked. I always compared myself to other people. Now I look at pictures of myself and it makes me shake my head. There is nothing wrong with the way that I look."
"Oh, Toni, toni, toni." She said shaking her head. "You are a beautiful woman."
In my head I thought, "but it doesn't matter who thinks I am beautiful, it will never really be true unless I believe it."
"No wonder why you are going through this, " she said "You've been needing to see what you've always had."
I know some people wouldn't agree with that, but there is truth in what she said. I do see what I've always had and now I need to do something about it.
Loving ourselves is the hardest and most difficult thing to do because we are not taught how to do this. Mainstream american society will never have commercials or ads on how you are perfect just the way you are. You are always going to be told to buy something in order to gain something, or buy something in order to lose something. Tuck. Suck. Nip. Tighten.
So not only do I have to start telling myself the truth about beauty and love, but I also have to defy what millions of other people are told what beautiful is. The truth about beauty and love: neither can be bought. What is beautiful is self worth. What is love is self respect. When you see someone who truly loves themselves there is no denying what that person has: confidence.
The art to loving yourself is going to come with a little bit of practice. After all, look how we are programmed every day to think otherwise.
1. Positive affirmation: tell yourself something positive each and every day.
2. Look at yourself and say you love yourself. It sounds silly and it will feel awkward at first but if you say it each day, you will believe it.
3. When you feel people are judging you, smile at them. Often what we think of how people are perceiving us it is really a reflection of how we are looking at ourselves. Smile at people- they will smile back.
4. Take real pictures! Before the day of digital cameras we took pictures to celebrate moments, not to manipulate them.
5. Compliment yourself and others. Say something nice about the way you look each day, and compliment other people. What goes around comes around.
6. SELF CARE! Treat yourself right. Exercise, meditate, get plenty of rest. Take time to enjoy yourself and the things that you love!
Just remember that sometimes the people that we think have it all are the ones that are struggling the most. Marilyn Monroe is a profound example of someone who never believed she was good enough. We look at her and we celebrate her art, her beauty. She will forever be a icon. Though she was incredibly insecure. She died without ever feeling truly loved.
The greatest validation comes from yourself, it won't matter what other people tell you unless, you yourself believe it.
These are pictures I found over the years that capture real moments
Two years ago during a spring walk on the beach
Shortly after Michael proposed to me on the beach
Last year, Family pictures after our wedding ceremony
Christmas morning when I was 16. My sister and I checking out my new guitar
Three years ago. Friday night debauchery.
My brother and I, four years ago at a family bonfire.
One of my favorite pictures of all time: My baby sister and I sharing a moment.
“To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not because they’re blind to your shortcomings but because they so clearly see your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect and beautiful, too. (20)”
― Victoria Moran, Lit From Within: Tending Your Soul For Lifelong Beauty
― Victoria Moran, Lit From Within: Tending Your Soul For Lifelong Beauty
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