When the ordinary feels extraordinary
My alarm woke me from sleep at 6 am. It was my first day back to school, and getting up early is essential for me so I can have enough time to get ready. The feeling of tightness in my skin wasn't as sore, and the shower was not stinging my wounds as much as it usually does. The antibacterial soap... well, we are still working out our differences.
As I showered, I thought about how worried I was the day before about the side effects of taking prednisone, especially the dreaded moon face. My brain suddenly on cue, as if sensing what could have been another bout of worrying and doubt, provided a diversion.
I heard myself start to sing a song.
" When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, That's a Toni!"
It immediately brought laughter to my morning, and the more ridiculous I made my faux Italian accent, the happier and carefree I felt. My sleepy eyed husband, looked at me with half shut eyes and asked, "Babe, why are you singing that?"
It just popped into my head. I guess Shawn Achor from the ted talks video was right, you can program your brain to think and see things in a more positive perspective.
If my brain didn't provide a diversion, I might have spent the entire morning worrying about getting a "moon face" and staring at myself in the mirror, swearing that my face was fuller and rounder than the day before. Thanks brain. I needed that silly song.
I went to school today, a part of me was a little worried that people were going to stare and ask what was wrong with my face. I decided that I would push that thought away and just try to be normal. Nobody asked me about my face at all, even though I am sure they were wondering. Instead they were excited to see me, yelling with open arms, "Toni!"
At the beginning of class we did our introductions and talked about summer. It was my chance to let everyone know what was going on, so I did. It felt good to talk about everything, because I wasn't coming from a place of pity but a place of strength and faith. I made some jokes about what was happening and everyone laughed. Nobody felt sorry for me and that was all I could ask for.
After school I was surprised with how well I felt. My body didn't feel so tight today, and it looks like my wounds are starting to heal. I got to take my dogs for a walk for a second day in a row. I did some tidying around the house. It felt good to do all the normal little things. It made me feel normal, as if I was gaining a little bit of myself back.
The best part of my day by far, was cuddling with my dogs on the couch. I haven't been able to cuddle with them for a month because laying on the couch for me consists of being perfectly still in one position with nothing touching or bumping me. Today I could lay on my side! It was incredibly comfortable!! My dogs jumped up and cuddled right beside me. I sure missed my doggie cuddles.
Today I didn't do anything, and it was absolutely perfect. I'm excited for tomorrow and the next day and the next. I know that I am starting to get better, not just in my condition but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There are so many things that I have held back on, and for what? In the fear that people might judge me? Screw it! Why wait for a 'certain time' to do things, or to be up to a certain standard to try to accomplish a goal? All you need is time and trust me time is what we have! So do what it is that you want to do, try something new for 30 days or even a week!
I've always aspired to be better than normal and you know what, I think normal is a pretty damn fine thing to be. I am content. I am happy. I am 'normal'.
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