PATIENT WITH PATIENCE
This past weekend has been a trial of patience for me. When you are on a road to recovery, patience is your friend as well as your foe. Being patient challenges you everyday, and some days are better than others. You get to have the days that I've had over the last couple days and you just want to scream "ENOUGH!"
For the last couple mornings I've woken up afraid to move too much. I lay perfectly still and I imagine that there are no sores on my body, that when I move there will be no pain. I try to lay there in that blissful ignorance for as long as I can. I take a deep breath and pull myself up carefully. Feeling the tightness around my body, the stinging of the wounds reopening. It makes me cringe. I dread having a shower because I know what pain that endures, and the time it will take after to carefully dry off and then bandage myself for the day. I've been good at reminding myself to be grateful for the improvement that I have gained thus far, though this weekend it was hard to count those blessings. It has been hard because I feel tired. I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically tired of all of this.
I miss the normal interactions I have with my husband. I miss being able to cuddle with him. I miss our daily tickling and wrestling sessions, chasing each other around the house. Laughing and falling on the bed. I miss playing with him. I miss riding my bike, and being active. I miss sleeping in a peaceful, comfortable state rather than consciously knowing that I have to move carefully on my side or lay on my back. I miss wearing whatever clothes that I want to instead of having to strategically picking out what isn't going to rub too much on my sores. In short, I just miss being 'normal.'
This past weekend has been a constant reminder to myself of what I DO need to be grateful for. Anytime I was feeling frustrated with myself, I would think of something positive to replace it with. Yes, I am allowed to feel this way, and I can miss all these things. Its okay to be frustrated at times and to go through the motions. I've been challenging myself NOT to stay in that rut. Not to let the pain get me down. Every time I felt myself feeling impatient with myself and with what seems like SLOOOOOW progress in my healing, I remind myself of what is good in my life and it helps. Within a few moments I don't feel so overwhelmed with my condition.
The reality of the situation is that I am in a constant state of discomfort. I have a condition that has pushed me to look at how to enjoy the things that I love in a different way. I may not be able to jump on my bike right now and go for an hour bike ride, but I am able to go for a nice walk with my husband and my dogs. I may not be able to ride my bike to school like I've been wanting to, but I CAN go to school and continue with my education. The important thing for me to remember is that 'things' are not being taken away from me... they're just... altered.
In any state of recovery, it is important to be gentle with yourself. This weekend was a great reminder that I am going to have moments of feeling fed up and wanting everything to go back to the way that it was. And you know what, thats okay. It doesn't make me any less positive or that I've ruined my challenge. It is imperative that you recognize these bouts of emotions because it means that you are getting through this. You can't stay positive 100% of the time, but you can stay positive 95% of the time.
I make myself remember the beginning of September and how excruciating the pain was in that first week. I remind myself of the emotional state that I was in, and then I look at how things are today. I remind myself of how far I've come and that things are only going to get better. I just have to be... you guessed it... patient. :)
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.
Arnold H. Glasow
Arnold H. Glasow
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