30 Days Complete.

30 days later. 

The Positive Polly Challenge is complete. The things that have changed in the past month have been phenomenal. This has been one of the hardest and most trying times in my life but it has also granted me the biggest lessons to learn from, as well as showing me just how strong and resilient I truly am. 

And it all started with making a choice. 

The choice to not let this struggle break me down. 

Although this whole ordeal started in June, the real break through was the month of September. I often wonder how differently things would have gone had I not decided to change my way of thinking. At the beginning of this struggle, back in the summer, my strategy was to simply ignore it. Just carry on with life. Work. Play. Enjoy the summer. Make up stories about what was happening if people asked, because I didn't even really know what was going on. That was the first lesson. Ignorance isn't bliss! 

To ignore something that is bothering you is the equivalent to letting something slowly burn on your stove. Each day it gets worse, and if you're not careful, the whole damn kitchen will go up in flames. 

LESSON 1: IGNORANCE ISN'T BLISS. 

It is important to acknowledge what is bothering you in your life. Without acknowledging the problem there can be no solution. 

In my situation, I had no choice. The fire was in my kitchen and it was time to put that sucker out. Unfortunately when you ignore problems they don't go away, they just find a not so subtle way to tap you on the shoulder, or give you a little spank on the face and say, 

"HIIII! STILL HERE!" 

There I was, my face spanked, my kitchen burnt and a whole mess to try to clean up. Times of struggle can certainly be overwhelming. Sometimes it can feel like you can barely breathe. I empathise with that feeling. The emotions of frustration, anger, and the constant questioning is going to be there and I hope that I am not the first person to tell you this, but they do come and go. If I were to tell you that it only happens at the beginning, and you just have to get over that hump, I would be lying to you. They come back. 

This is where my second lesson came in: Choice. 

LESSON TWO: CHOICE

What may seem like the simplest task, will always hold the most power, responsibility and consequence. 

It sounds simple, but it's not. We are creatures of habit and it is easier for us to stay mad, keep being frustrated, and to keep pitying ourselves. It becomes a security blanket. 

It is harder to make a conscious choice of changing our perspective when all we want to do is stay angry and resent what is happening to us.  

My mind fought me on this one for a long time, it still does. Even when I hear myself saying,  "This is ridiculous, you're wasting your time and energy feeling like this. Stop it." 

I can feel the bullheaded part of my brain still wanting to be stubborn and if I give into that big mule, I will feel angry and crappy for most of the day. 

I've come to realise that my attitude can be put into check by remembering what I have in my life to be thankful for. 

LESSON THREE: GRATITUDE 

Don't take for granted the life that you have. It only takes a moment to say three things you are grateful for each day. 

Again, if you don't practice being thankful every day it can be awkward trying to find three different things to be grateful for each day. I started with the obvious things, family, friends, love, etc. Then I started to add small things that I take for granted, especially when it was taken away from me. Thankful for walking, having a shower, being able to sleep on my side, having clear skin, etc. 
If I couldn't turn my mood around with being thankful, my second weapon was positive affirmations. 

LESSON FOUR: POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
There are only three things that are in our absolute control. How we feel, how we think, and how we act. 






Positive affirmations work! Anytime I was in pain, or frustrated with what was happening I would repeat to myself, "You are healthy, you are happy, you are healing." 
I would say this to myself 20 times in a row if I had to. I know how powerful thoughts can be because I've personally felt what negative thoughts can do, positive thoughts have just as much power but they make you feel GOOD! Give yourself compliments each and every day. Find at least one thing that you love about yourself and SAY IT! We spend too much time focusing on what is wrong with us, that we don't appreciate the person we have to live with day in and day out: OURSELVES! 

LESSON FIVE: LOVE YOURSELF
The only opinion you should care about when it comes to you, is your own. 

Personally, this one is going to take work for me but I am working on it. I spent most of my life feeling too tall, too big, too much like 'one of the guys' that I constantly compared myself to other women as I grew up.
"Oh, I am supposed to be curvy and small and not be able to wrestle down a guy?" 
Well, I grew up with a popular brother who played hockey so I didn't really get a chance to be the dainty little sister. I had to learn how to protect myself from a hockey team full of boys. Mentally and emotionally, I am grateful I grew up strong like that. 
But when it comes to my physical image, I still wanted to be treated and looked at like a lady.
Ironically, when that would happen, I hated it. I didn't like the attention, I wasn't use to being looked at as a girl. 
"Gross, stop staring at me," is the thought that always came into my mind. 
I was insecure being in a woman's body. 
It took an ordeal like this to really realise how important it is to love myself, and to be happy with who I am. Inside and out. 
It takes practice, but I am getting there. 

LESSON SIX: YOU ARE NOT ALONE
No one said you have to take the world on alone, reach out to those that love you for help. 

I wouldn't have been able to get through this had I tried to do this alone. I have an amazing support network of friends and family, that offered their ears, their words of encouragement, and most of all their love. In the times that I felt most unlike myself, all I had to do was turn to my husband, or pick up the phone and call someone, turn and look at the smile on my friends face or even just cuddle with my dogs. It is the people in my life that love me and care about me that have shown me that I am not alone in any struggle in my life. They are always there, a constant reminder that I don't have to carry the world on my shoulders. I have had a humbling experience when it comes to asking for help, it doesn't make me less strong or less able. What it means is that I have the self awareness to know when someone else's experiences, words, eyes, ears, and love can make a difference in what I am going through. It is about letting your ego go, and being open to receiving that sort of help. 


LESSON SEVEN: THE POWER OF PRAYER
Never underestimate the power of prayer and healing. 

At the beginning of this, I acknowledged that I needed to go through this struggle. I prayed in the sweat lodge, and asked for the strength to get through this and I gave my trust to Creator that I was going to come out of this a better person. Prayer, ceremonies, and church became my solace through all of this. I did not realize the impact of my prayers and those that were praying for me until I went home to Alberta, and I felt it. 

When you can physically feel people praying for you as a whole, it does something to you. For me, it pushed me even further to recognize the relationship I have with Creator, my ancestors, and Jesus, that I maybe haven't fully appreciated. I pray and smudge every day, and I have being attending ceremonies regularly for the last four years, though being at home and seeing the work of love and prayer coming from your family, well, it just put everything into perspective for me. Shortly after coming home and having the bear medicine come visit me, to heal me, and then physically seeing my body start to heal so rapidly, gives me no doubt that what happened to me was a miracle. 

LESSON EIGHT: LIFE IS TOO SHORT! 
Don't spend your time worrying, get out and live! 

This lesson is the one that has really done it for me, I actually feel kind of silly knowing how much time I wasted, and opportunities that I passed up because of my own insecurities and negative thinking. We only get one time on this earth, LIVE IT! Love your life, fill people with joy, make yourself happy! Who cares what others think of you, or how they might look at you! Dance if you want to dance, sing your heart out, try something new!
There are so many things that I look forward to doing, and I am not going to worry about what other people may think of me. If there are things in your life that you are not happy with, change it. The biggest thing that I have learned is to not take on other people's problems. I can only take ownership for my own life, never mind taking on the weight of someone else's baggage. It is better to be the positive influence in your life, then the negative nancy that everyone calls when they want to feel sorry for themselves. If Misery loves company, it can call someone else. 
Put the petty differences aside when it comes to the people that you love, let them live their lives, and worry about living your own! 
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So there you have it. That has been my experience through all of this. Today, I am 99% healed. My face has cleared up, my body is almost back to normal. Tomorrow I get to start riding my bike to school. I have been able to go hiking again. I have been able to enjoy the small little things like wearing make up, having a hot shower, wearing normal underwear, not spending 45 minutes each day taping bandages to my body, and I can finally start wearing a bra! Yesterday Michael and I fell asleep cuddling, and it was the best feeling I've had in a long time. To be able to hear his heartbeat in my ear, the rise and fall of his chest when he breathes. I missed cuddling him so much. 
This past weekend I was able to go back to work, and I loved being able to talk to random people again and enjoy their company. Yes, you can say that my life is back to normal these days. What I find interesting about life struggles, is that when you are in the midst of it, it almost feels like it won't end. It is hard to see the light in the shadows, and I know that it can be hard to think of anything else, it can overwhelm you. 
Though, when things start to get better you start to forget how bad things actually were. It becomes a fragment in time that can seem so long ago. You start to forget the pain, the frustration, the overwhelming feeling of "this is never going to end." You also start to forget the lessons you learned, the promises you made to yourself. The things that you said you were going to change, and then you don't because now there is no reason to. Everything is back to how it should be. 
I want to be able to remind myself of this experience, to hold it close to me so I will never forget what I went through. I want to remember that just as things are good in your life, they can also be taken away in an instant. Nothing in life is certain, and I don't want to go through life lightly, thinking that everything is at my disposal. 

This is the transformation that I went through, my body was a lot worse than my face. The skin would easily tear off each morning that I woke up. For a month I was almost immobile, I could only walk for minutes at a time. A slight bump, or movement would cause an immense amount of pain. After awhile, I could care less about what my face looked like, or the stares that I would constantly get from people when I could go out. All I wanted was to feel normal, to feel like myself again. 

Though things are not 'perfect' right now, they are incredibly better. The side effects from the steroids are starting to come, I am shaky a lot of the time, I wake up with headaches each morning, and the 'moon face' that I dreaded so much is here. It doesn't bother me so much though, because I know that it is only temporarily and I that I will be off the steroids soon. 

My face at the beginning of summer to now.

"MOON FACE!" haha

I don't mind the fullness of my face too much. I got chubby cheeks anyway. I am just happy to be healthy again, and to know that I persevered through this. 

I want to thank you all for reading my blog. I've had over 1000 views since this started, I hope that whatever you got out of my experience helps you in any small or big way. It has been encouraging to see the support that I have received since I started this, it really helped me through this time. 

If I can leave you with anything, it would be this:

"Don't let your situations define who you are. For it is only a matter in time that will pass. It is how you feel, what you think  and what you do that will carry you on through life. Let those moments be the ones that help shape who you are, that show you your strengths, your resiliency, and the love you have for yourself. If you keep those true, nothing will be able to define you." -T.W 2013



Thank you Again. 
Love you All. 

The Best Things in Life Are Free

How I missed the connection of Nature

I can't even begin to tell you the weekend that I had. Compared to last weekend, this weekend was a gift from Creator. It was as though the Great Mystery knew exactly what I needed to recharge every fiber of my being. Over the week my body has been healing rapidly, more and more each day I am feeling better and looking better. 

By the time the weekend hit, I was ready to go for a hike. I was gifted a beautiful, warm sunny weekend too! As soon as Michael and I stepped into that beautiful ancient forest, I felt at home. There is a specific feeling you get when you are surrounded by trees that over tower you and are hundreds of years older than you. You can feel the interconnectedness of your surroundings and how the ecological system depends on each and everything in it. Its beautiful. 

In my culture, we believe that we are connected to everything. We honor the stone nation, the rooted nation, the crawlies, the swimmed ones, the winged ones, father sky, mother earth, grandfather sun, grandmother moom, the star nation people, the four legged and the two legged. We respect and honor this by saying, "all my relations" when we are done praying. It is to remind ourselves that we are pitiful human beings and that everything around us is so much greater than. 

Elders say that when you are having troubles, give it to the ocean, let it wash it away. Give it to the rocks, they have more strength. Or my favorite, give it to a tree. There are times that I have felt anxious, sad, angry, nervous, or even happy and when I walk into a big cedar forest, you can feel the strength and wisdom of the rooted nation. I put my back up against that tree, the strength of it's foundation supporting me, and I can feel it reach deep into my spirit and up lift me. You can instantly feel the comfort of letting go, and giving thanks to that tree for taking your worries. 

I loved every minute of that hike on Saturday. I loved the sound of the wet ground underneath me, the fresh smell of cedar all around me, invigorated my senses. You could hear the birds singing to each other, the sounds of their wings flapping as they fly over you. I loved climbing the big rocks that stood at the edge, looking out into the never ending ocean. The warmth of the sun, shinning down on my face. The cool, crisp autumn air kissing my cheeks. 

I have not been on a hike since July. Three long months of being away from my relations. There are certain things that are a part of you, just as your family and friends become a part of you. Being in nature is a second home to me. It is a balance and a perspective that I get in an instant, it is a part of who I am, what I am tied to, and what I believe in. Generations of generations of family lineage, going back thousands of years, ties me to this land and it courses through my veins. It is part of my spirit. 

I have been filled with so many things in the last couple of weeks. Gratitude, Faith, Love, Prayer, Trust, and even a little bit of frustration and pain. Though I am awe-struck with the experience that this has been for me. The lessons that I have been learning about myself, about life, about what is really important to me. The more I choose to see these things more clearly, listen more attentively, and be more open to feeling, the more I am granted a better understanding and perspective on who I am, it seems. 

I haven't felt this way in a long time. This weekend gave me clarification. Clarification that things keep going and moving, even if you're not. There are things that are constant, like change. Things that will always be there for you, like love and faith and prayer. It is a matter of choice, when it comes down to everything. The choice to be angry or to be happy. To accept things or be in complete denial of them. To choose to let something beat you down or the determination to fight and persevere. In whatever it is that you choose, know that it will not be easy. Life will challenge you, even in times when you think that you can't take anymore, in those times, in that moment, is what really matters. It will show your strength. 

If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields has power to move you, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive.

-Eleonora Duse

When you believe in magic...

The Power of Prayer and Healing 

I want to tell you of a miracle because I believe that miracles are to be shared. To uplift the spirit, to give inspiration and hope to those that need it. To spread love and faith that things will get better in times of need. 

Miracles happen in the smallest and biggest ways, in any case they are undeniable and in my opinion, cannot be called anything less than what they are. 

I experienced a miracle this morning. 

This is my story. 

I had somewhat of a strange weekend. The week has been hard since I returned from Alberta. My body did not respond well to the 12hr travel in the vehicle and much of the week was spent being sore, and in pain. School was hard to sit through because my sores were sticking to my clothes and my face was really inflamed. The medicines my Kokum had sent home with me seemed to be the only thing that was helping. 

By the time I came home from school on Friday, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. 

The weather seemed to match the consistency of my mood, and all weekend it rained and rained and rained. I spent the weekend wearing long skirts and baggy shirts, remembering what my Kokum said. "Your skin needs to breathe."

I did the little housework I could around the house, and kept busy with my homework assignments. I kept up with drinking the medicine tea my Kokum sent home with me, twice a day, smudging every morning, and having medicine baths every other night. 

On Sunday morning, Michael and I went to church. Being back home, I felt great comfort in attending church with my family and I felt that it would be good to attend church in Vancouver. The church we attended was a good church, though it felt as though something was missing. Maybe it was the dynamics of the people from back home. I expected to hear someone rejoice with a "Amen!" or "That's right!" like my Uncle Peter does. 

When the choir sang, I expected to hear the harmony of everyone joining in, singing their hearts out like they do back home. I expected to hear laughter and joy. 

What I heard was silence. Yawning. Boredom. 

I left feeling somewhat disappointed. I left feeling unfulfilled. It did not deter me from wanting to go to a different church this weekend. I talked to my Kokum about it and she said, "You'll know when you're there. You'll feel peace." 

I noticed that since I've been back home, my prayers are a little different from what they use to be. I missed the presence of Jesus in my prayers and in celebration. I never stopped believing in that aspect of my spirituality and belief in Creator, but I noticed that I stopped acknowledging him. I am not entirely sure why, especially because they are many oral accounts in First Nations cultures around Canada and the United States that talk about Jesus visiting them.  

When I smudge and pray now, I acknowledge him. I not only feel a difference in how I feel but I also feel as though I am honoring the other side of my family and the teachings that they have given me. As my friend Char said it, "Your expanding. You're spirit is craving more." 

I think it's more that I am finally putting the two parts together, where they belong. 

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I have never had the experience of seeing my mom's family and my dad's family in one weekend. The experience of that has given me the wholeness of who I am in such a rare perspective, that I don't think I could have asked for it to be more clear. 

Now.. for the miracle. 

Sunday night my sister came over to visit. We talked about the visit back home, we talked about Grandma, and we shared stories about the family. It was great to spend a rainy evening with her, sitting on the couch drinking coffee and laughing. 

I was still feeling quite sore, though I was happy to hang out with my sister. It was the simplest of moments but it brought the most comfort over the stormy weekend. 

That night before I went to bed, I did my normal ritual of drinking my tea and washing my face with the medicines. I lay down in bed, say my prayers and go to sleep. 

Just before six o'clock this morning, before my alarm went off, I felt myself start to slowly wake up. I was in and out of sleep, fighting to keep my eyes closed because I knew that it was way too early. I felt a weird sensation on top of me. There was a huge weight and pressure on top of my stomach, as if someone had placed something incredibly heavy on me. 

I moved my hands on top of me to feel what it was. It was a bear's head. It was massive. I could feel the hardness of it's skull under it's fur. I couldn't believe how big it was, it felt as though my hands were spread so far from each other as I moved my hands around feeling as much of it as I could. It didn't move. It just laid on top of me, I could feel the warmth radiating from underneath its thick fur. 

All of a sudden I heard Michael's voice, "Babe, I'm turning on the light." 

I felt the light hit my eyes and I slowly opened my eyes, I could still feel the massive bear on top of me. When I opened my eyes, my hands were on my stomach. My fingers spread wide apart, as if I was holding on to something so big. 

I looked a Michael, "There was a bear on top of me." 

He smirked, "A bear?"

"Yeah, I think I am going to start getting better really soon." 

He laughed and continued to get ready. 

As I got up, I prepared myself for the soreness and the sticking of the sores to my clothes, as I do every morning. Though this morning, I got out of bed without any pain at all. My clothes did stick a little, but there was no pain. I didn't have to slowly pull away my clothes   from my wounds. I felt incredible! 

I sleepily walked into the washroom, I looked down at my legs. My sores were all scabbed over. The skin turning pink, and healing. I looked at myself in the mirror. My nose! My nose is healing! I couldn't believe it!

"Michael! Look at my nose!" I yelled, freaking out. 

He came rushing over and looked at me. His eyes went wide in exclamation. 

"Whaaaat!?!" he said staring at me in disbelief. 

He took a step back.

"You're weird!" 

I just stood there staring at myself with a sleepy, goofy smile on my face. 

Michael stared at me, shaking his head in awe at the complete transformation from how I looked before I went to sleep the night before. 

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" That is all I could say all morning. 

For the rest of the day, I've been feeling great. I even wore jeans today! My skin hasn't been sticking to my clothes. I can walk normally without being pain. I feel so incredibly blessed today. 

My appointment with Dr.Yu is tomorrow, I can't wait until he sees how much as changed. 

I know that there has been so many people praying for me and I can't thank everyone enough for their love and prayers. 

I've been given a gift of faith that things are going to be just fine, and I am incredibly grateful for the grace of God my Creator, my ancestors, my spirit helpers, those who prayed for me and, of course, Jesus. :) 

The bear spirit in my culture is the spirit of healing, bear medicine is one of the most powerful medicines.

This is me as of today. I felt it was good to show the comparison of what my nose looked like before (on the left) and what I woke up to this morning (right). 

Kinanaskomitin nimunito, nimosom, nohkom. muskwa muskigi <3

"thank you creator, grandfathers and grandmothers, bear medicine."

A miracle. Nothing short than what I had this morning.

Love Conquers All

The love of your Best Friend

The moment I knew Michael was going to be the person I would love for the rest of my life is when we first started dating and he told me that I was a woman that deserved to be loved. As soon as we started talking to each other I knew that Michael was cut from a different cloth. The biggest attribute about him was his kind heart. He has the kind of heart that shines through his eyes when he smiles. I quickly realized that he was one of the most genuine souls that I have ever met. 

Michael is the type of person that helps when he sees people that are need, whether that be buying food for someone that is hungry, helping a woman carry her heavy groceries, or buying his Dad a new truck so that he would have something safe and reliable to drive around.  He always treats people with the utmost respect and never makes anyone feel less than what they are. I love that he is accepting of all walks of life. Gender, race, culture, religion, sexual identity or preference does not stand in the way of him getting to know who someone truly is. 

There is much that I have learned about life, love, and myself by being with this man. When you are with someone that is right for you, life doesn't change. You do. You change how you see your life and what you see as important and valuable. Michael changed my perception on life because I knew that I wanted to build a life with him. 

We have challenged each other throughout our relationship. I pushed him to his boundaries and he pushed right back. There were times when all we did was fight and drive each other crazy, though for whatever reason, we never gave up on each other. We always came back to the drawing board and tried to figure out what was wrong and what we could do to help each other and our relationship. That is the thing about life and love that we don't get a lot of lessons on, life and love are not perfect. They are not meant to be. Life and love are meant to challenge you, push you, and help you to grow. It took me awhile to realize that relationships are not all about the love letters, the passion, and the connection. It's not about being crazy about that one person, or giving all that you are to make that person feel loved. Its about working together, communicating, treating each other with respect, honoring the other person's life and where they come from, and knowing how to grow and walk together. 

When people look at Michael and I and say, "You guys are the perfect couple!" 

I smile and I reply, "Trust me, it's a work in progress." 

I am comforted in knowing that Michael and I will always have things to work on in our relationship because it reminds me that we are individuals and if there are not things to work on in our relationship than that means that we are not growing as a couple. The more that we grow, the closer we become. Life will throw us obstacles, and I know that sometimes it will be hard because we've had hard obstacles to overcome already, but I see how we have worked out things together and I know that our love and our life together will stand strong because we believe in it. 

When I talked to my Grandparents about their marriages each of them said the same thing,

"It takes work." 

When Michael and I got married, on the day of our wedding everyone kept asking us if we were nervous. 

"Are you nervous?"

"How are you feeling?"

"This is it you know!"

My thought process was, if I'm nervous about marrying this man, I'm in the wrong relationship. The day of our wedding I felt so calm and relaxed. I felt happy and content. I felt reassured that I was marrying the best man in the world. I was going to marry my best friend. 

Michael is not only my husband, he is my best friend. He is the one person that knows me through and through. He has seen me at my strongest and my weakest points. He has seen the worst and best sides of me, my temper and my love. My jealousy and my insecurity. Through everything he has only loved me more. Just as I have loved him more through his faults. We changed ourselves by loving each other unconditionally, and by encouraging each other's dreams. To never knock each other down, but to help ourselves be strong by believing in each other. 

When this skin disease was dragging me down, Michael showed as much strength as he could in me. Even though I knew that he was frustrated to see me in pain all the time and wishing that he could take it away in an instant. Through all of this he has been nothing but patient and loving with me. Always knowing just what to do and say to make me feel better about my circumstance. 

When my face was really bad, I was feeling sorry for myself one day, wanting it to all go away. I would stare at pictures of myself, wondering if I was ever going to look the same again. 

Not a moment later, I caught Michael staring at me with that goofy smile of his. 

"What?" I asked slightly annoyed. 

He smiled, "I just love you is all."

"Yeah, you love me and my gross face?"

He laughed. "Babe, I don't see the sores on your face, I just see you."

That was all it took. I didn't feel so bad anymore. 

When I was back home, I told my Aunty Lorna how great Michael has been through everything and how I didn't know what I'd do without him. She tapped her wedding band with her finger and said through a smile and misty eyes, "That's what this is all about. Through good and bad, sickness and health." 

Things have changed since I have been diagnosed with my skin disease. Michael and I can't wrestle and play with each other like we use to. We couldn't sleep in the same bed as each other. We haven't been able to cuddle. We haven't been able to hike or go biking around the city. Our tickling matches have been replaced with taping up my bandages. With all the 'can't's you would think that things would be hard on our relationship right now. Though it is the exact opposite. We laugh. We talk. We go on our little walks, even if it is not very far or  that we have to go really slow,  if anything walking slowly has allowed us to really appreciate the time we have together. We've developed new weekend traditions, like going out for breakfast on Sunday mornings, drinking coffee and eating pancakes making each other laugh. I know that I am blessed to have Michael as my husband, not only because of the amazing and wonderful person that he is, but because we are perfect for each other. 

 My body is slowly starting to get better, and I can see the light at the end of what seemed to be such a dark shadow. I know that I didn't do this alone, through all the stumbling and crying and frustration of being in the dark, Michael was right beside me, holding my hand and telling me that we were going to get through this. 

Yes, the love of your best friend is something special and different. It is a person that falls in love with the idea of you, was attracted to you by your attributes and gets to know you through your faults, and at the end of it all chooses to love you unconditionally. It is the person that sees you the way you will never be able to see yourself, beautiful and imperfect, and yet perfectly made just for them. 

"Never in front of you, or ever behind you. Always beside you."

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." -JUNO 

Why Family Is So Important

Family: The foundation of life. 

    I have always enjoyed the drive from Vancouver to Alberta, though, this particular trip home was with a heavy heart and not too much excitement. A funeral is never the best circumstances for a visit. Since I found out that my Grandmother was dying in hospital and since she passed away, my skin problem has been the last of my worries. As my instructor at school said it, "You're arranging the pots on the stove." 

    I was worried about my Mom, it breaks my heart to know that her heart is hurting. I was worried about by sister and that she was having to grieve for my Grandma without her family because she couldn't make it for the funeral. I was worried about my brother because I know he doesn't deal with people passing away very well. My heart and my head worried about the ones that I loved. I couldn't bare to know that they were in pain. 

   There is something about Alberta that changes something inside of me. Maybe its the thick forest of pine, birch, and spruce trees that stand strong on either side of the road that gives me some sort of comfort. Or the openness of the vast prairie sky, with the living clouds and the bright colors that lets me know Creator and my ancestors are watching over me. In any case, I feel a sense of home and belonging when I see these things. 

 As I pulled into my Grandma's house, it felt different. The house itself even looked different. It was a reminder of how long it has been since I was last at Grandmas house, and that made me sad. I walked into the house and was comforted by the old familiar smell, and the comfort of the warmth that Grandma's house always gave me. Inside the house was almost bare, as if Grandma already knew to start giving her things away. It was still Grandma's house, just much more simpler. My Mom gave me her famous hug and kiss, and I instantly felt better. A mother's touch is so gentle, and simple yet so fulfilling and lasting. I breathed a sigh of relief and was glad to be home with my Mom. 

 After we finished freshening up, we went over to my Aunty Gail's house. Everyone was at my Aunty Gail's house, and again, I realized how long it has been since I was at her house with all my Mom's side of the family. As soon as I walked in I was bombarded with hugs and hello's and "so good to see you!" I immediately felt loved. In a instant I realized that it didn't matter how long it has been since your family has seen you, they are just as happy to have you around. I talked and laughed, and hugged so many people. 

  We went over to the funeral home for Grandma's wake. There were tears of sadness and joy, and celebration of the beautiful life and legacy she left for us all. We took turns telling stories and paying tributes to the woman who started this all. The celebration of someone's life is so beautiful and bittersweet. 

   The next day was the funeral. I was blown away by how many people were there. It was an honor to witness how many lives she touched with her beautiful heart and grace in God. What an inspiration Grandma was. I gathered so much strength over the weekend, and it made my heart fill with joy to see how many people loved her.  Most of all, I loved that she started such an incredible family and we all carried on her legacy to keep the family going with love for one another. 

  There is something beautiful about family that you can never get anywhere else. With family comes an instant bond, a history. It's the reassurance that no matter what happens or how long it has been, there will always be a story or a memory that someone can share with you to bring a smile to your face and to connect you to them. I appreciate that about family. 

  It was my husband's first time meeting all of my Mom's family at once, although he was overwhelmed with the abundance of them and not be able to remember anyone's name, he loved them. 

 "Your family is so nice!" He kept saying. He marveled at the how big my Mom's family was, and how there was such a extensive record of pictures, and scrapbooks from each family that we all took turns looking at and refreshing our memories. He was astounded by the presence of God in my Mom's family, the prayers and the hymn songs that filled the house. It made me feel so proud to see how my family made such an impression on him. 

  Coming from a mixed heritage of Cree and Irish, I always felt somewhat torn of how to honor both sides. My mom being adopted, there wasn't culturally an Irish influence to grab ahold of. Living on the reserve, I was immersed into my Dad's side of the family and have always identified with myself as being Cree more than anything else. My Mom's side of the family, in one way of describing them, would be religious. They're Christians. I wasn't sure if my beliefs and their beliefs would have any relationship, or at the very least, some sort of overlap. 

  Over the weekend it was apparent to me that what we believe in is in direct relationship to each other. We both have a love and a relationship with our Creator. We both sing songs that fill our spirit with the messages of God. We both attend Church, they just physically look different than one another. When we were at the gravesite, and we each put down a red rose for Grandma onto the coffin, I also offered tobacco to my cousin Clinton who is passed away at the age of 13, his grave is next to Grandma and Grandpa's. I offered tobacco to Grandpa and put it on his headstone, and lastly I offered tobacco to my Grandma and I set it on her coffin. I silently said a prayer to her and just when I was finished I looked up and there were what seemed like a hundred cranes flying in majestic patterns right above us. They flew over us for a few minutes and just as they appeared, they were gone again. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is. 

 The next day I stayed over at my Kokum's house. All the Aunts and Uncles came over to have lunch and it was neat to see the difference and the similarities between my Mom's and Dad's family. My Mom's family was so concerned about my condition, and much of the time I spent was talking about what was happening. They all expressed their love and hope that I would get better, hugging me and offering up prayers. My Dad's side of the family didn't say anything about it, I did talk about it with them but most of the time was talking and catching up. Laughing and teasing each other. Though as everyone started to leave, my aunty, my uncle, my cousin, my Kokum, and my husband went out and picked medicine for me. My Kokum took out her medicines and made me tea, and made me medicines to smudge with. She boiled the picked medicines and she put it on my body.  

 "You wear this Marie," she said and she gave me some of her pajamas. "Don't wear tight clothes, your skin needs to breathe."

 "Here drink this tea, make sure you drink it all up." 

 "Here you smudge with this, smudge your forehead, breathe it in too." 

 She packed a bag of bandages, the picked medicines, and the tea she had made for me. She gave me specific instructions on how to use the medicines, and to make sure that I do what she says. Her gentle but concerning instructions filled my heart with love.  

 It was interesting to see how each family expressed their love and concern, they both made my spirit filled. I left Alberta feeling 100% different than when I had arrived. Anyone who knows me, knows that my family means the world to me. Without them, I am nothing. I love walking into my Aunty Gail's house or my Kokum's house and hearing the busy noise of laughter, and chatter. I love sitting around the table eating dinner, and talking and teasing each other. I love the sound of kids running around and getting yelled at by the parents. 

 There is something about family that recharges you. It makes you strong. Its like they all come in with their love, their playfulness, their laughter and their stories to share with you whatever it is that you need. Family is foundation. They are at the beginning, who is there throughout, and who will be at the end. They are the chosen people that will know you through and through, remembering things about you that you couldn't remember or see in yourself. They are there to love you unconditionally, accepting of you regardless of your faults, your conditions, or your circumstances. 

 I love my family and have the greatest appreciation for all of them. They are the foundation of my life.